Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I touched a dick in church today
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
