i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize