She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
