Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
