He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
