so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
