i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize