she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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