Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
