Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
