Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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