God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
