remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
