turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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