I could make wine with my vomit
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
