you have to choose: penises or morals?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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