I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
