So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
