He kissed a someone with a penis
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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