Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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