if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
