This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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