dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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