I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
