Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
