He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My pussy is not your playground.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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