I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize