Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
