I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
