If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
