If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
