if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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