apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
