if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
