Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
