things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
