Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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