I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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