WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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