I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
