***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
