so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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