ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
