At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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