we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
