You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
