Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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