Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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