i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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