No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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