eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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