Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
