Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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