broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
