so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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